Took the dog out

I was out walking my dog earlier when an old granny shouted "Oi make sure that you pick that shit up."
"Calm down luv," I replied, "let me wipe my arse first!"

2 blokes in the pub discussing their sex lives. 1st bloke says
''we're still at it like rabbits!''
2nd bloke says ''huh.. I only get it once a month i call it Bruce Lee night!" "Whys that then?" his mate asks "its when I enter the fucking dragon!!"

Husband walks in & says " I've been so busy i dont know if I'm comin or going!" wife says "by the look on your face, your going....Because when your cumin you look like a fuckin stroke victim tryin to whistle!

I saw stephen hawking crossing the road the other day with a little kid.
Not a very good role model,he only looked one way.

I walked past a house that was on fire to see 12 Muslims hangin out the window screamin ''save us, save us'' So i did........ as the wallpaper on my new phone!

Paddy told the wife he was getting a burning sensation in his anus and didnt know what it was. She said 'ring sting?'. Paddy said 'what the fuck will he know?